2 teenagers left for school today. Both had asked if I would be home and then hurriedly stated that they didn't need a ride or anything, they just wanted to know. I took the mandatory pictures and they said, "Bye!" No teary goodbyes, just Bye!
I am not sure what I expected but I guess I did expect something.
People discuss the empty nest phase. They still live with me but I kinda felt like that today.
My oldest son took me out to lunch. It was a good visit with him but I still felt blah all day.
The problem with this picture is, they are only showing the parents perspective and not the child's.
They are not showing them running out of the car or house with the excitement of being free from us. The excitement of being free to hang with their friends and make their own choices.
Nope.
Not one sole has told me how I would feel in these moments when I discover the fact that this is what happens when you raise your kids to be independent functioning members of society.
I am grateful that my oldest still wants to have lunch with me. That he still discusses his life and asks my opinion on things. I love the adult relationship that we now have and I know I will try to foster the same in the others. In my defense, when he was a teen, I still had 3 more kids to get through.
But for now, I find myself looking at the clock in anticipation for the teens to come bursting through the door, not wanting to discuss their day but rather, if I had made them a snack cause they will be starving or if they can go over so n so's house before dinner.
Of course I have snacks waiting, what else was I going to do today?
So, this new you, how does it feel? Feel like your circle just got a lot smaller?
Relationships can suck. The fake ones always hurt the most because we don't see them coming.
You do not have to tolerate them any longer. No. You. Don't.
That part of you is so over. You deserve people who genuinely care about you in your circle.
First off, you have come along way. Give yourself a break, you deserve it. Changing who you are isn't easy.
You have decided who you want to be. Now that you are here, what to do with those relationships and how to make new ones.....
You have to be able to take and deal with the truths of who you were and are. Those actions need to have an answer. Apologize for your actions and to those who you hurt. You have to be able to see the harm that you caused others. It is a lesson and a perspective you need in order to truly move forward.
You have made the decision to own it. Now so do. Actively own it. Atone for what you did.
Decide who is being real with you. You will know. They are the ones that will want to hear your story and the whys. Even if they think they know the answers, they will still want to hear your story from you. They will offer their version and take responsibility for their part also. Offer forgiveness and ask for it in return. Then it will feel like, just another chapter in the relationship and it continues like old times but it is a new chapter. (Understand? Comfortable with that person but on new ground)
The others will just listen and be like ok. They will continue to center the relationship according to their needs, regardless of how you feel. Act like what you have gone through was no biggie. No voice of concern or seeking forgiveness for their part either.
You will not be alone. You will have one or a few friends who genuinely care for your well being.
You are making a new circle and that takes time to build. Challenge yourself to step outside the box and try new things, places, attend new events, (alone if you have to) and discover this new you.
You are strong enough. Yes, it might be lonely at first.
Remember you want and deserve this. Now, let go of the past you, past mistakes, and truly forgive others and yourself.
Let. It. Out.
and
Let. It. Go.
Will it hurt? Certainly so. Will it be worth it? Totally.
